WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER

Everyone experiences stress at some time or another. It is a natural human emotion. A bit of stress is even necessary at times. When one holds an object with their hand, their hand muscles become very slightly stressed with the very slight effort entailed to grasp the object. Of course, this is a natural and necessary feeling of stress which one need not try to avoid.

Stress becomes an issue when it is allowed to build up or when something extremely stressful happens which causes a large amount of stress at a time.

The fact of the matter is that life naturally tends to be stressful. When one is younger one is stressed about being respected and fitting in with their peers. As a person gets older they worry about more important things like grades in school etc. Then one gets worried about supporting a family, running the house, and raising the kids etc. These are all the natural, “normal” stressers. Then of course sickness etc can create a tremendous amount of stress for a person.

The first step in dealing with stress is for one to admit that they are over stressed! Unfortunately ,any people have a hard time doing this. But in reality one need not be embarrassed at all about being stressed; it happens to everyone!

Unless one consciously and properly learns to deal with their stress, stress issues will continue to bother them throughout their lives. This makes learning how to effectively deal with stress critical to enhancing ones productivity and quality of life.

Here are some ideas which can be helpful in empowering a person to control the effect which stress has on them:

1)      Firstly, one should know themselves and see which situations tend to stress them out. Then one can plan ahead to avoid those situations or to mitigate the necessary amount of stress that situation will create. One must simply think and plan.

For many, many people Erev Shabbos is an extremely stressful time. Although it may take some extra planning and forethought, planning ahead can take away a lot, if not all, of the stress. Plan a way to make all the food and have everything cleaned by Thursday night. Start cleaning on Wednesday. Make food ahead of time and freeze it. In this way when it comes Friday, even if one leaves some small chores to get done then, there will be a lot less pressure and the whole Friday will be so much more relaxed. This can change a person’s entire week!

 Here is another great example. Shloimy* had just started his first real job. He was never great at being punctual and he knew how important it was for him to arrive at work on time. The first few months of work, mornings were an extremely stressful time. From the moment he woke up in the morning he was worried about what time he would manage to make it to work. At first Shloimy didn’t even realize how much pressure he was creating for himself every morning. But once he finally realized he knew he had to think of an idea to lighten things up. He thought of a simple solution which changed everything. Although it required a little extra effort, he pushed himself to wake up earlier. It was a bit difficult for him at first, as he had a very long work day and he went to sleep exhausted every night. But it was worth it, because the extra time he had in the morning provided him just enough lee way that he could go through his morning without rushing and still leave a few minutes early. It was so much easier for him to arrive at work on time, and a lot of the stress went away!

Another example. Every year for Purim Zev* tried to perform the mitzva of Shalach Manos as best as he could. He tried to think of everyone who he thought wouldn’t receive shalach manos from anyone. He felt bad for them, and he delivered shalach manos to all of them. At the end of Purim Zev had delivered close to 50 shalach manos. Admittedly, until he finally delivered the last one he felt quite overwhelmed. Ironically, though he loved Purim, he always felt stressed during the time of year when Purim came around. It took a while, but finally it hit him that as well-intentioned as his shalach manos-giving was, it was just too much for him. Each year he managed to give a few people less, until he decided that he did not feel that overwhelming pressure at Purim time anymore.

When one thinks relaxing thoughts this relaxes the body. The same goes visa-versa.

2)      On those lines, here is the next idea which can help one deal with their stress. As mentioned before it is important for one to know themselves. It is imperative for everyone to know things which they enjoy doing. One must have something which they enjoy that they can make time to do when possible.

First, there are some things which by their very nature relax a person.

Taking a shower relaxes a person; the hot water physically relaxes a person’s body and is extremely refreshing. If it is in the summer and one is hot and prefers to take a cold shower this would be refreshing and get rid of stress as well. Holding a heat pack or ice pack against the part of one’s body which feels stressed would also be helpful. When Reb Moshe Sherer z”l was involved with the Aguda in hatzolo efforts for European Jewry during the war, there was a point in time that he needed to hold a cold compress to his head because of the intense stress. Another reason showering is so beneficial in alleviating stress is that the rushing water and comfort which comes with it helps distract a person from focusing on their stressful thoughts. This brings with it great relief.

In extreme cases, though it is more of a hassle, taking a bath could be more effective than just a shower.

Of course, getting a massage is a great way to alleviate stress. If one has a family member in the hospital, getting a nice, good massage can really give one that break which one needs.

It goes without saying that eating 3 satisfying meals a day and drinking enough fluids is very important. It is so much easier for one to become stressed when they are hungry or not properly hydrated.

For someone who doesn’t have to be overly concerned about what they eat, having a snack once in a while will help one relax. Everyone likes good food, but some people naturally really enjoy eating. There are people whom once they satisfied themselves with a full meal they won’t appreciate a little snack. Most people like to snack, and when one is stressed grabbing a snack can do the trick. Very often it may be worth the sacrifice to gain a few calories and take a sweet or a refreshing cold soda.

These aforementioned ideas are things which are universally enjoyed. Additionally, everyone should understand their tendencies and know what they personally particularly enjoy. It may be taking a walk, playing sports, reading a book or newspaper, just sitting or lying comfortably and letting one’s mind to wander, many people find listening to music very relaxing, etc. Whatever it is, a person must find what they enjoy and then every so often make the time to do that which they enjoy. As mentioned in the beginning of this article, a certain amount of stress need not be avoided. A person needs to work or take care of the children or keep house, even though it will cause some stress. What is important is that one then allow themselves to loosen up so that the stress doesn’t build up until it gets too much. Taking time to do that which one enjoys every so often will refresh oneself and allow them to “reset” themselves with new strength.

It must be emphasized that time will generally not make itself available for one to relax. One has to realize how vital it is to give themselves a break and consciously ensure to make the effort to free up some of their time. One must realize that this is a critically necessary part of life which should be treated as such. If one doesn’t make this time then although they may be able to get more done at the moment, still in the long run it may have extreme detrimental effects.

Around Pesach time there is a custom to go to a fruit tree which has blossoms on it and make a brocha. Part of the text of the brocha says “G-d created nice trees in order to give enjoyment to the world”. G-d created nice trees as well as other nice things in order to give enjoyment to us. As the saying goes “food (and other things which we can enjoy) is not just to look at”! Of course it has to be with a degree of self-control, but we are meant to enjoy the nice things which G-d created. He created them with this intent in mind!

3)      Ensuring that one is breathing properly or even taking time to do breathing exercises can be super-beneficial in helping one keep relaxed and for staying healthy in general. Most people breathe just enough to keep themselves alive. Meaning real healthy proper breathing entails taking slow, deep, breaths, and filling ones lungs up entirely. Most people are too stressed and in a rush to focus and really take proper breaths during the day. When one takes a proper deep breath this will fill their brain and other parts of the body with oxygen; with short quick breaths the brain receives only enough oxygen to keep a person alive, but not enough to really invigorate the brain and body. Once a person breathes in slowly and deeply in a way that fills themselves with oxygen their brain and body will be well ventilated and will feel extremely refreshed. This allows the muscles and body to relax.

There are techniques in deep breathing exercise which trains one how to breathe properly. However without getting too complicated, the most effective way to get the most out of breathing is to breathe deeply and slowly in through the nose, filling up ones lungs as much as possible – and then to slowly let the breath out through the mouth.

If one just makes sure to pay attention during the day they can with just a little extra effort focus on taking deep breaths. In more extreme cases of stress, it may be worthwhile for one to set aside a few minutes in the day to sit down and focus only on deep breathing. One should not underestimate how much proper breathing affects one’s physical and emotional health. It can make a really huge difference.

4)      The atmosphere and people who one is surrounded by has a huge effect on a person’s own mood. If one is in a tense atmosphere or if one is hanging around people who are constantly stressed then this will cause the person themselves to automatically be more stressed. If a person has a friend who is constantly getting stressed then it may be wise to consider whether this friend is worth keeping a relationship with. And hanging around people who have a fun-loving, happy, relaxed personality will in turn make a person happier and more relaxed. It is extremely beneficial to try when possible to place oneself in situations and among people who tend to be more relaxed and easy going about life.

Shmerel* has an extremely easy going personality. Somehow he always seems to be able to stay put-together no matter what comes his way. He knows how to inject a positive, light side when situations become too serious. A funny joke and big smile is always at hand. Shmerel’s cousin, Yossel*, realized this about Shmerel and he knew it would be beneficial for him to tap into Shmerel’s wellsprings of positivity. And that’s what he does. Whenever possible he tries to hang out with Shmerel, and he notices a clear lightness to his mood when he does that.

There are some simple techniques which though they may take a little extra mental effort, with just a bit of thought they can a change an extremely overwhelming situation into one in which a person can be in total control.

5)      The first technique is to break up a job into small pieces. Instead of trying to conquer the whole job in its entirety, one can accomplish the same amount but only focus on one part at a time instead of focusing on the entire job at once.

6)      The second technique, which really can work together with the first, is to separate the pressure from the actual job. A person often creates imaginary or even not imaginary pressures, which one does not have to feel. Once one can separate the outside pressures and only focus on the actual job itself, it will make the job entirely easier.

The first while that I worked as cook in the kitchen of a nursing home making food for close to 200 people, I was not at all used to it and the work was quite overwhelming. I would arrive at work and my mind would picture – all at once – making everything; all the different courses, each one enough for 200 people. It would take me close to 5 hours to make everything. I would come every morning thinking about how I would possibly be on my feet for such a long time and make this huge amount of food.

The next major weight I was holding was that I had tremendous pressure as the entire meal had to be ready to be served at 3:30. The stress and pressure which I felt from both the time restraint and the amount of food I had to make, was close to unbearable.

I had to make two major changes, which afterwards turned my whole situation around. Once I made these two changes, it took some time but eventually I felt so much more in control over the job and it became so much more manageable. It was great.

The two changes were those two ideas which were just mentioned. Firstly, I had to realize that I was trying to take on the entire job at once and how big of a mistake that was. I planned ahead to organize what I would make when. Then, instead of trying to tackle everything, I first focused and only thought about the first course. Only once I finished that, did I allow myself to then think about making the side dish for everyone. After I finished the side dish I focused on making all of the pureed foods and alternate foods for those residents who required alternate diets. (Somewhere in between, though my mind constantly yelled at me that I had to push myself and finish more, I always made myself take some sort of break). This move really changed the face of my entire job and made it so much more bearable.

The second change was, that I realized my problem was that from the moment I started to cook my mind was on the 3:30 mark. At 10:30 I had the pressure as if it was right before 3:30 and the food wasn’t ready yet. The rationale behind this was that I knew there was a lot to do and I had basically just enough time to do it; so every minute I delayed meant there was a good chance it will cause me to be late. Regardless, the tremendous added pressure was totally unnecessary. It did not help me at all. I forced myself to just focus on the actual job in front of me. I did not think about any time limit. I left worrying about having everything ready on time, for when I was closer to the 3:30 m mark.

These two primarily simple changes made my work load so, so much easier to bear. It decreased the amount of stress I experienced tremendously. It was such a relief not to have to carry the weight of all that stress every day that I worked. I was able to actually enjoy my job at times.

A lot of times a person’s imagination will exacerbate a situation, thereby causing one great stress. When a doctor gives a bad prognosis one’s mind goes on serious auto-pilot dragging one’s self to imagine the worst possible scenarios. That is just one example however there are numerous examples.

7)      In the same token one can take advantage of their imagination in order to help them relax. As mentioned before,  a very helpful important part of helping one’s self to relax is to distract oneself from thinking about whatever is stressing them and instead to think pleasant thoughts. If one can focus on a memory in which they were really relaxed; or create a new memory with their imagination which is relaxing; for example sitting on a lawn chair at the beach, with a cool soft breeze blowing and the sun shining; looking at the clear blue sky etc., this will go very far in helping one’s self to be able to relax.

8)      On the same lines, talking with someone whom one feels close to and enjoys talking with, is a great relaxant. A lot of the time it may be smart to talk about random things which have nothing to do with what is stressful. Since one enjoys talking, this in itself will relax the person. Plus it will help to distract one from whatever is stressing them, which will remove a lot of the stress.

Stress can be extremely frustrating and at times extremely painful and detrimental to a person. Though it may be difficult to conquer stress, with commitment and a bit of work one can gain control. When one is able to control their stress and keep it away it brings with it an immense feeling of relief and happiness. It is a life-changer. One who is constantly stressed cannot even imagine how great it feels to be able to create a life which is more stress free.

May G-d give us all the help we need in making our lives happy and stress-free!

* names changed for privacy

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok