WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER

A person cannot properly take care of a family member in need unless they properly take care of themselves. Period. This is an unarguable fact.

What happens all too often in situations like these is that, as mentioned previously, naturally, a person loses control. They panic and are unable to think clearly. Because of this they go into total over-drive. This causes them to be entirely taken over by their emotions of needing to help their family member; thus pushing themselves as much as they can bear and then some more. They force themselves to go past their limits. It’s mind over matter. It is amazing what a person is capable of, without even realizing, once their mind is set. They are extremely concerned; their family member life is in danger; without thinking they will do things one would never imagine possible.

The problem with this, which may be hard for one in the situation to realize, is that in practically all cases, this is not the best way to do things. One cannot and will not be able to give themselves or their relative the best, proper care which they so need. They are not acting based on thought or logic. But unfortunately, it is beyond their control. They have panicked and are unable to think straight.

It is extremely necessary albeit extremely difficult for one to remain calm and in control; to realize that they must take a step back and think things through clearly for a moment. Even once one realizes that it would be wise to take a step back and think, it still may take an incredible mental effort to actually slow oneself down.

If a robber is chasing a person through the forest, the person naturally panics and heedlessly bolts through the forest, crashing into tree trunks and branches and whatever is in his way. All the person is focused on is just getting away as fast as they are able. Their mind takes over as if they are on auto-pilot. Unless one is a trained individual, they are unable to think of the possibility of taking control and planning their escape. The power of their crazed mind is tremendous. It takes tremendous strength to overcome the power of a panicked, desperate mind.

Once one panics from fear and concern over their sick relative, it can take super-human strength to slow down and think clearly.

If a person is unable to get themselves to act with a clear mind, unfortunately it can be disastrous with very serious implications.

In the most recent huge snow storm the radio reported that people died (mainly due to heart attacks) from shoveling the snow. These unfortunate’s were totally focused on clearing the snow from their driveways or wherever. They just went out and shoveled and shoveled, without putting clear thought into how much hard labor their bodies could withstand and when they need a break.

What happens is that the mind simply takes over; one sees all the snow, and feels the tremendous pressure and need to clear the snow away. The pressure may come because one has to get to work, or one needs to do shopping etc. The natural reaction to that pressure is to just get out there and shovel as much as one can. There is so much snow, that the mind gets overwhelmed. Unconsciously and without thinking the person just follows the illogical messages their overwhelmed mind sends to them; “If you don’t shovel as much and as fast as you can then you will never be able to finish”. Their mind not allowing them to pay enough heed to their health status while they are shoveling, they shovel as much and as fast as they can without taking a break. nfortunately some people died because of this.

The alternative brings this point out very clearly. The radio reported that a different individual, instead of heedlessly jumping out and shoveling, created a game plan. She shoveled outside for an hour, and then went inside for an hour break, switching off from shoveling to breaking every hour. Another person promised himself a reward after he finished shoveling. He knew that when he was done he would sit in a warm comfortable chair watching the ball game. Knowing that he would be able to enjoy himself after completing shoveling gave him extra strength that he needed. These people shoveled with thought, and the results were life-saving.

The following explains in detail why it is imperative for one to exert that superhuman mental effort to take a step back and slow down, and try to retake control and clear one’s head to work in a thought out manner.

Firstly, if one does not have a clear presence of mind then regardless of their good intensions they will not be able to get or give the best possible care to their family. They are not able to be as productive as if they are able to do things while thinking clearly. They will tire out faster as they are not taking a breather when they need. They will be totally weighed down by stress and will not be able to perform near as well as how they would perform if they would act with thought. They will not be in their best shape.

Additionally, when one acts from emotion one is not able to ensure they are doing things logically. Logic isn’t on top of the agenda; their emotions are in control of their actions. Since their emotions are governing their actions they are much more prone to making mistakes.

Secondly, the atmosphere which one is in makes a tremendous difference to one’s ability to perform. Having a clear, controlled, presence of mind creates the atmosphere which is vital to having the best performance. This enables one to give their relative the best possible care. This benefits the person himself, the people around them, and most importantly the family member who is ill. It allows one to fully be there for themselves or their relative. A calm relaxed atmosphere is extremely conducive to good health and good cheer, and can improve one’s mood and thereby one’s medical status immensely.

Most importantly, if one is not in control of themselves and does not take care of themselves properly it will affect their own health. The tremendous strain and exertion will eventually catch up with them. The toll which extreme stress can have on a person is great; and it can come upon them without them even realizing it. Stress expresses itself in both open and hidden ways and it can be affecting a person for a long time without the person having any idea. It can have an extremely negative affect on one’s mental and physical health. At first it may seem minor, but it builds up, and after enough time it will just blow up. It will incapacitate a person. Then the person will be able to help themselves and their relative so much less.

Once one manages to grab control of themselves, they will be able to take care of themselves. This will put them in a much stronger position of being able to help. They will eat and drink enough; they will take breaks and relax when they need; and they will try to take time to do things they enjoy.

One must not underestimate what a good meal or a well needed break can do for them. Just taking a few minutes can refresh a person and give them the reprieve which they need to continue on.

Mrs. Lev’s* teenage son was not gaining weight. He was unable to keep his food down and they could not figure out why. He continued getting skinner and weaker. After a few days like this he collapsed on the floor because he didn’t have strength to stand. As Mrs. Lev was leaving to rush her son to the hospital, her husband quickly put together some food and handed it to her to take along. They made it to the hospital and eventually the medical team got the situation under control. After everything calmed down Mrs. Lev was stuck waiting in the hospital for hours, while her son was attached to an IV. Besides for being totally exhausted, she realized that she had barely eaten that day. She took out the food her husband packed for her and ate. She felt her strength return to her as she ate. It made her feel great, like a normal person. She was then able to be there for her son; to give him the love and attention that he needed; and to warm up his face with the positivity she received from regaining her strength.

There was another woman also at the hospital, whom did not have food with her. Mrs. Lev gladly shared her plentiful meal with the other woman. Before the woman ate she felt tired, being in an uninviting hospital room all day. After eating the food which Mrs. Lev so kindly shared with her, she too felt refreshed.

It was the thoughtful act of Mrs. Lev’s husband to send some food with her to the hospital, which gave her that strength thus enabling her to function better and to better properly care for her son as well. It wasn’t necessarily an amazing act; but it was a thoughtful, vital act; it sometimes takes just something simple such as eating a bit or taking a short break, which can provide life- saving strength and support.

All of this of course applies to day to day living as well. For example just cleaning up the house and making food for Shabbos can quite often be very overwhelming. And although Shabbos comes every week we still get stuck in the stressful last minute rush. Or if one is making a dinner or simcha, there is a lot of work involved and naturally one can easily get overwhelmed. One’s mind threatens to take over. It causes a person to feel like pushing themselves until they are exhausted.

If one would force one self to take a step back it could bring life-changing relief. One can think of ways to make the work easier such as beginning to prepare earlier, or if necessary one can ask others for help. A lot of the time, prioritizing and deciding that certain jobs do not necessarily need to get done right away also can be very helpful.

Slowing down, thinking things through, and relaxing a bit can be extremely difficult in situations like these. At times one literally must fight a raging panic of emotions. However the fight is a critically important one; the benefits are vital, at times even life savers.

* names changed for privacy

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok