WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER

When one hears about a friend who is struggling through difficulty most people’s immediate reaction is to wish there was some way they could help. The vast majority of people truly care about another’s pain. We feel terrible; we sincerely feel bad and sincerely wish we could do something to help them and show them how much we care. The problem is that sometimes, somehow it just doesn’t happen!

The purpose of this article is in no way at all to make anyone feel guilty; I have been through the same process myself; there is a reason why I am able to so properly describe it. The purpose of this article is because now for a good while I have been on the opposite side of the story. I would like to share the new perspective which I now have. My hope is that the personal picture that I have gained through my experience, will shed light on to the feelings of many – not all, but almost all – people experiencing difficulty.

Of course no one intentionally simply goes on with their lives after hearing about another’s misfortune. We tell ourselves that as soon we finish making supper and getting the kids in bed we will go straight to pick up the phone to call. But then doubt creeps in. “I’m not sure what to say; maybe I’ll say the wrong thing”. “It will be so awkward”; I haven’t spoken to them in such a long time”; “They may not even be friends with me anymore so anything I do won’t be appreciated anyways”; “They have relatives and friends who are closer to them than I am, they don’t really need me” etc. etc. As the excuses and doubt begin to creep in to our minds, our resolve weakens and we procrastinate. Then, once more time goes by, the excuses and doubt grow even stronger.  All too often our resolve eventually dissipates entirely; we get busy with our everyday responsibilities, which are many, and we just don’t get to doing anything. (We are usually left only with our guilty feelings, which are generally not conducive for anything good)!

Firstly, the thoughts and feelings described above are all perfectly natural and understandable; many, many people have that experience, with the exception, sometimes, only of people who themselves lived through this type of difficulty. Furthermore, one really must make a decision as to what and when they can help others; sometimes the right thing is for one to really think of themselves or their families.

That said, usually a major hindrance to helping another going through a difficult time is the awkwardness of the moment as well as a fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. These are all very understandable points of concern. The truth is that no one is perfect, we are all human, and something one says, even one who themselves experienced difficulty and even something said with the best of intentions, may just not go over well. Recipients of the chesed as well have different personalities or needs and what is appreciated by one may not be as appreciated by another.

The most clear cut, all across the board rule is that the more selfless the intention – meaning having the best of the recipient in mind, and the more sincerity involved in what is being said or done, the bigger the chance that it will go over well. Even then, it can still be very hard to discern what a recipient really needs or wants; and what will give them the most comfort.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and the absolute, best solution that came to me is that whenever possible, one should ask a close friend or family member of the recipient advice about what they feel is the best way to approach the person and how one can really be helpful the most.

The main idea which I really want to bring to light is this. We, as outsiders to a person experiencing difficulty, (even if we are a close friend or family member), absolutely cannot possibly imagine the full extent of the pain, stress, loneliness, and hardship which the person is going through. And I am telling you, almost without exception, every single person going through great difficulty absolutely needs some sort of support and help! And because of this, Yes!, saying or doing something for them may be awkward and cause us some discomfort; and Yes!, we may do or say the wrong thing, but this cannot stop us from coming through and doing something. Just something. Whatever it is. Even something small. We must somehow, in some way, find something we could do or say to help them!

This revelation can help give us a glimpse of what our friends and neighbors experiencing hardship are truly going through. This should motivate us and help make it easier for us to get past the psychological barriers that prevent us from bringing thought to action.

Once we have cemented our decision to act, the question is, so what should one do? This can be simplified. It does not have to be near as difficult and complicated as our minds fool us to think.

 If one feels that saying and doing a particular thing may be awkward, one does not need to say or do it. Find something else less awkward to say or do. For example one does not need to force themselves to be menachem avel someone alone; instead go with a friend, it will be a lot easier and still very meaningful; and at least you did something. One does not have to talk to the person for an hour in order to give them chizuk. If one’s relationship isn’t so close than one can simply good naturedly smile and wish them a good day when passing them in the store. One could send over a store-bought snack for Shabbos instead of sending an entire home-made meal, if that is too difficult. A store-bought snack with a nice, short, heartfelt note can give a lot of chizuk to someone. Or if you are too busy to send food one week, call up and tell them that you can make something if they need next week.

I’ll provide more examples in the next article. The point is that at the end of the day we shouldn’t let this occurrence come to be that we just don’t end up doing anything. It is vital for our friends to have our support to lean on in their time of need. This new perspective tells us how important it is for us to just find something, anything, that we can say or do to help them. Instead of aiming higher and coming up empty we should choose just something easier which we know we can do. Because we absolutely must do something. Anything.

We cannot leave our friends and neighbors alone by themselves. We are their life support. They need us. They really do. We cannot possibly imagine how much they really do.

To be continued  . . .

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok