WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER

This article is a continuation from Part 1, 2, and 3. These articles are discussing the idea that one does not need to do something superbly major in order to help someone going through difficulty.

Here are some more great examples.

When I was learning in Mir Yeshiva in Israel, there was a period of time which was particularly difficult for me. Later I found out that for whatever reason my eyesight had weakened considerably plus my eyes weren’t working together. This was having a great effect on my basic day to day life functioning. However, at the time I had no idea what was wrong.

I had tremendous trouble focusing, be it while reading something or looking at things around me. This was affecting me even just in making simple decisions such as whether to walk to the barber to get a haircut. (Later I learnt that this a common cause for children who have learning disabilities; they have certain issues with their eyes and it affects their ability to function properly in school and it affects their self-confidence and ability to make decisions as well). This inability to focus made me feel terribly insecure. The fact that I didn’t know what was causing this made it so much scarier to me. Additionally, I was far away from home, in a huge yeshiva with thousands of people, of many who had personalities and spoke a language which at that time was very foreign to me.

I also found out later that I had a very big sinus infection which was causing me a great amount of pressure and pain. My inability to focus combined with the sinus pain was awful. This made it hard for me to think logically or clearly. I was unable to take the initiative to do something to take care of my situation. I felt like I was in a dark world, all alone. It was one of the first times I was really independent, and this made me feel even more lost and scared. I hadn’t the faintest idea what to do or where to turn.

Throughout my stay in the Mir, my dear brother in law Uriel Harbater, married to my oldest sister Sora Basha, made it his business to try to look after me, like an older brother. He would go out of his way to sit with me while we were eating lunch or would stop to ask how I was doing when he saw me around. With Mir as big as it is, this is no easy feat.

My sister and brother in law invited me to their house for Shabbos often. Coming to them was for me an oasis of stability and security. I remember the first time I came to them; my brother in law called me up to ask if there was any special food he could buy me for Shabbos. Just that simple phone call made me feel so special and loved. Going to them for Shabbos provided me with the chizuk I so needed.

One day I was eating lunch with Uriel and he mentioned to me that he had a relative that had considerable issues with their eyes, and that the relative had gone to see a top eye doctor in the USA. The doctor had given Uriel’s relative a series of eye exercises to do which eventually restored the relatives vision from being extremely weak to practically back to normal. Without knowing all the details of my predicament, Uriel mentioned that maybe I would want to try to see this type of eye doctor. He told me there was only 2 top doctors like this in the entire country and that he would be able to get me their numbers. At first, since I myself didn’t know what exactly my issues were, I was skeptical about it. (What happened to convince me to look into it is a long story in and of itself). After some time, when the whole idea basically had slipped to the back of my mind, I still somehow remembered it and decided to give it a try. My brother in law Uriel’s idea turned out to be in large the main solution to my problem!

On the outside Uriel didn’t necessarily do anything particularly monumental; but he decided to try to be there for me. He went out of his way to eat lunch together with me – though he was eating lunch anyway. He inquired into my welfare when he saw me; and tried to give me some helpful advice; without even knowing everything I was going through. But these ‘non-monumental’ acts were in truth very monumental. He provided me support which I needed. And the advice he shared with me because he wanted to help me turned out to be what almost entirely saved me.   

Eventually with a lot of siyata dishmaya and the gracious, heartfelt help of others I got myself through the Israeli medical system. (This too is a long, amazing story in and of its own). I found out that firstly I had a huge sinus infection; plus my eyes were very weak, and my one eye wasn’t working together with the other eye. This of course affected my ability to focus properly. As mentioned earlier, it is well known amongst eye professionals that poor eyesight such as this can usually affects one’s self-confidence and ability in decision making. (If one has children with learning disabilities and low self confidence it may be worth it to have their eyes checked out).

After taking spray and strong antibiotics for what I now knew was a sinus infection; and going through months of an intense, high caliber, (expensive!), eye exercise course, I was on my way to recovery.

This whole episode took many long months to finally resolve.

Throughout this whole ordeal there was one friend of mine who provided me with tremendous chizuk and encouragement. His name is Aharon Shmuel Wealcatch. What did he do that helped me so much? I remember that day like yesterday; I was sitting in the corner of the beis medrash feeling lost amongst the hundreds of faces who surrounded me; I felt so insecure and alone, in pain and unable to focus properly. Then I heard a voice right next to me asking how I was doing and saying that I didn’t look so good. I looked up and there was Aharon Shmuel – looking at me with such a concerned look on his face. His care-laden voice filled my heart with so much warmth. I told him a bit of what was going on. Just unloading what I was going through with someone was so rejuvenating. And he didn’t forget about me. In the days, weeks and even months afterwards, my friend showed me he was there for me. He would come over to me in the beis medrash and discuss the shiur with me. When we bumped into each other he would reminisce with me about past experiences we experienced together; or about the different Rabbeim we had shared before we came to Israel. All of this made me feel that I wasn’t alone; and it helped distract me. Since he was a bochur at the time, he ate all three meals in yeshiva and he went out of his way to try to eat together with me. Sometimes he simply asked me how I was doing. When I wasn’t in the mood of socializing at least I knew he was there  for me to talk with when I needed. Though we were in a huge yeshiva and sometimes didn’t see each other every day, or even every few days, Aharon Shmuel showed me that there was someone who cared about me. I existed. I had a friend who was concerned for me. On days that I felt down and I described to him what I was going through, he would commiserate so well with me. It made me feel so good and cared for.

We had been friends before this story occurred but now he went out of his way to be a close friend to me; like an actual brother. As a matter of fact, I had a brother who was learning in the Mir as well, who left to go back to learn in the U.S. a year earlier than me. After this, I told Aharon Shmuel several times that now he was my brother in Israel! When Aharon Shmuel gave me a small sefer, (and a big steaming hot coffee!) as a birthday present, he inscribed in it, “Liyedidi Hadomeh Lee K’ach”  –  “To my friend who is to me like brother”!.

Aharon Shmuel seemingly did not do anything particularly monumental. He simply asked me how I was doing when he saw me. He went out of his way to eat meals with me. He decided to be there for me and to show me I had in him a concerned, close friend. This turned out to be the light in my world of darkness; the security in my months of insecurity. Once again; Aharon Shmuel did things which were seemingly non monumental; but were in truth extremely monumental to me.

Here is another great example. My dear cousin, Avromi Zuber, told me what meant most to him after his dear baby daughter, Chaya Ahuva a”h passed away. My cousin lost his baby daughter after she battled vigorously for her life, after only a mere few short days. He told me that the most meaningful and comforting thing that was said to him was when people simply told him that they are thinking of him. People did not have to talk to him for an hour or say any brilliant speeches, or try to convince him that they understood what he was going through. Quite the opposite; when people told him they could not understand what he was going through yet regardless of that, they were there for him and thinking about him; that is what was the most meaningful to him.

One must not over-pressure themselves in to thinking that they could only help their friend in need by doing something huge; then it will be so much more difficult to do and so much less likely to happen. It’s just doing and saying simple small things such as these that can really go so far; way, way farther than one can imagine.

To be continued …

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok