WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER
This series of articles beginning from Part 1 is discussing examples of the idea that one does not have to do something major in order to give help and support to a friend in need. Small things can really go a very long way.
I would like to sidetrack for a moment just to share a short thought which I had with you. I heard a video of R’ Pesach Krohn speaking in support of couples who experience difficulty having children. Rabbi Krohn said that he has a friend whose child was still unable to have children after being married for five years. He once said to his friend, “It must be so difficult for your child, still not having children after being married for five years”. His friend turned to him and said, “You are right, but it’s not just five years. It has been sixty months that my child has been married and hasn’t had children”.
As soon as I heard this story leave Rabbi Krohns lips, the following thought hit me; Our dear little beloved son, Yehoshua, has been in the hospital from the moment he was born until today, for over a year and a half! But it has not been only a year and a half. It has been over eighteen months; it has been more than five hundred and forty days. Needless to say, this thought brought me to tears. Though some days were easier than others, every single day of the past five hundred and forty days, and more, has been a nisayon. BH we have seen tremendous, miraculous improvement, far beyond the doctors predictions. May G-d continue to watch over us and give us the strength that we need to go on! May G-d grant our dear zeeskeit Yehoshualeh a refuah shleima b’mheira, so that he can one day soon (in a manageable manner!), come home with us.
On that note, when I look back at the past year and a half since Yehoshua was born, and before, I see the many nisyonos which we have gone through. At the same time there are some very strong, fond, warm, memories which stick out in my mind.
Those memories are mostly the times we got to spend with family. BH my wife’s parents live relatively close by, and several times we spent Shabbos and “get-togethers” there with her parents and siblings. It was a great feeling to be surrounded by family who really care about you. During those times I felt enveloped in a feeling of warmth and security which was so supportive. The same when we went to the home of my wife’s siblings. They invited us often and truly went out of their way to make us feel comfortable and loved. They encouraged us and gave us advice when we needed. They were there for us. These get-togethers were like breaths of fresh air.
Once again, it was not necessarily anything specific which they said or something particular which they did for us which helped us so much. Though they definitely did some spectacular things for us, it was mainly simply their caring for us and being there for us which in fact turned into a spectacular source of support for us. Just their giving us the opportunity to spend that quality time with them made such a difference. And it is this quality time that we spent with them which make up the warm, fond memories which stick out in my mind from the past year and a half!
My parents, and my siblings who are in the U.S., live considerably further away, and it wasn’t as often that we were able to get together with them. However, whenever there existed the slightest way of them possibly being able to come visit; whether it involved many hours of driving, even if it was early in the morning or late at night; or whether it involved trying to squeeze the visit into a schedule which practically didn’t allow time for a visit!; or whether it involved them coming for Shabbos and bringing the entire Shabbos with them (plus meals for us to freeze for the next week) because we weren’t in the position to make; whatever it took, they tried to plan to come visit whenever there was a slight possibility they could do it. Practically every time they came to visit there was some sort of sacrifice which they had to make. This gave over the message to us, that yes, they may live hours away; but that distance did not separate the great love which they have in their hearts for us and Yehoshua. And whenever we were able to go visit them for a Shabbos or Yo”T, it was like leaving behind the world of stress and pain for a few days.
There is another period of time in which I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore. I felt totally, utterly, and completely stressed and overwhelmed. Yehoshua was in extremely critical condition, and on top of that every askan we spoke to told us we had to transfer him; and each askan said we must transfer him to a different hospital. One said to Colombia in Manhattan, one said to CHOP in Philadelphia, and another told us we absolutely had to go to Cincinnati. Besides for the extreme toll worrying about Yehoshua’s condition was taking on us, there was something else equally or even more difficult to deal with; and that was the uncertainty and doubt – the feeling of extreme guilt, which threatens to over-come a parent when the parent is being pressured to make a life and death decision. Do we transfer or not? Where do we transfer? Which askan do we listen to? Will Yehoshua even be able to survive a transfer? And even once we decide that we want to transfer, getting the hospital to agree is an entire battle of its own. (We finally asked HaRav Aharon Feldman shlit”a and he advised us not to transfer; clarity provides such relief).
It was during this time that my sister Chaya Miriam got married. After debating back and forth, we finally decided that simply for our own sanity, we must go to the chasuna. This decision ended up being life-saving. It was very difficult to try and leave the extreme stress and worry behind, and I was very unsure of how or if I would be able to enjoy the chasuna at all. (At the actual chasuna I sang with my siblings at the chuppa, and the moment we finished singing, I went to a corner and just cried, davened, and poured out my heart to G-d, until I heard the sound of the glass being broken). We came to Baltimore and the entire time during the chasuna and Shabbos sheva brachos we were surrounded by my loving family. My siblings who I haven’t seen for close to a year came in from Eretz Yisroel. I am particularly close with my sister Chaya Miriam, and her marriage was an extremely happy and exciting occasion for me. My family showered us with love the whole time, doting on us, and enveloping us with the love and security which we so needed. During the festivities I tried hard not to think about when Shabbos would be over and I would need to go back to the ‘real world’ which was filled with insecurity, the unknown, and so much stress. I did not know how I would manage once I had to leave the oasis which my family provided for me. But the time came, and surrounded by the family we loaded the car and drove off. While driving, the realization hit me. If I can feel so secure like I did over Shabbos, let me to try to attach myself to those feelings and bring them back with me. I strengthened my faith, and with the tremendous encouragement which I had from being showered with attention and love from my family, I told myself “You don’t have to worry; G-d will help, everything will turn out fine”. I asked myself, why should I let go of the warm, comfortable, secure attitude which I had gained over Shabbos; let me try to bring it home with me. And that’s what I did. I did not allow my mind to succumb to those overwhelming feeling which I had before going to the wedding. And BH Yehoshua slowly began making improvement until his situation stabilized much better than before.
“B’erev yalin bechi v’laboker rina” (At night he went to sleep crying, and he awoke in the morning singing)! That’s how I felt; I left to the wedding feeling to tally enveloped in darkness, not knowing what would be. And I returned after that Shabbos with song in my heart, feeling as if a ray of light had lit up my world a little. What was it that brought about this sheer relief; this life saving change? It was loving family. On the outside, it was nothing particularly incredible; however it was incredible indeed.
My family and my wife’s family, just by loving us and being there for us, were able to breathe a breath of life back into us.
If one has a family member who is going through difficulty, the potential for one to give great encouragement and support is right there. Without saying or doing great things, just let them know you are there for them. And if one is not related, it is the same thing. Wish them a good morning. Invite them for a Shabbos meal. Or just simply schmooze with them for a few minutes; not necessarily about the situation they are going through, just about regular mundane things. These simple things can go such a far way. It gives over the message that you are there for them; that people care about them. That is just what they need!
To be continued …
L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok