WRITTEN BY Shmuel T.Adler:

NOTE: The following article addresses a subject that is vast and touches on only a fraction of the topic.

Shalom* had a baby who was in the hospital for several months. Shalom relates: The hospital in which my baby is in has a large movie screen in the hallway. For the past many months when I visited my baby I passed this movie screen. Each time I watched the same screen with the same people (mainly young teenagers) acting out different scenes. The volume was off and one could not hear any sounds. Being that I watched these guys every day I thought I knew everything about them. I saw the boy who seemed to be the most popular who fit right into the gang. Then there was a different boy who appeared to be the coolest of the bunch. He was always the center of attention selfishly not caring for anyone else. 

After several months the volume for the movie was turned on. One day I stopped to listen and I was surprised when I heard what they were in fact saying. As it turns out the boy who seemed to be the most popular and fit right in was actually not popular at all. The other boys made fun of him and didn’t want to let him join the group. He did not fit in at all. He was extremely smart and because of that he was socially awkward. This was exactly the opposite of how he appeared previously when the volume was turned off. The boy who seemed to be the coolest and didn’t care about anyone else was actually the only one from the group who cared about the socially awkward boy. Only the cool boy defended the awkward boy and he tried convincing the rest of the gang to accept him as well.

This is a perfect description of many people experiencing hardship. Most of the time you can’t see on their face the true emotions which they are experiencing inside. Quite often, years after whatever happened, the hurt and loneliness is still there. It could appear that family members of a deceased go on with their life almost as if nothing happened. However deep down inside no matter how much time passed, there is still something missing for them. What you see is not the reality. It’s as if the volume of their lives is turned off. The world they may appear to be in is not the world they are really in. You can’t tell what they are feeling just from seeing them. Even what they say will not always give you an accurate description of how they are feeling. On the outside they may seem fine but in truth inside they are reeling from everything that is going on. They could be just waiting for someone to put their arm over their shoulder and provide them with some kind words and warmth. They don’t feel comfortable to ask. One should not assume that because a person “looks” like they have themselves under control this means that they do not need a friendly pat or a kind word.

The stark reality is that people experiencing these situations are many times on an absolutely different plane. The do not notice normal things that are going around them. They “live” through the day without actually being aware of anything but whatever turmoil they are going through.

Rina* had a child who was in critical condition in the hospital for many months. During that time there were a few consecutive weeks when her child made absolutely no signs of improvement. One day after those few weeks Rina’s child slowly began improving. Finally Rina could breathe a sigh of relief. Her child was still in critical condition but finally he was showing signs of improvement. That day Rina commented to her husband, “I feel utterly exhausted today. Why?! I went to sleep early last night!” Rina’s husband responded “Of course you are exhausted; you haven’t been sleeping well for the past few weeks. Only now that our child is improving, you “landed”. Only now are you actually able to notice how tired you have been all this time!” Rina was so caught up on the stress and emotional whirlwind of caring for her child that she did not notice how exhausted she was the whole time.

The pain, suffering, stress, and emotional turmoil which people experiencing these situations go through is unimaginable to outsiders who themselves have not actually went through the experience.

What can be done to help them? Often one feels so bad that they just want to do whatever they can to try to help. But when one tries to help they must realize that not everything they feel like saying or doing is appropriate! Just the opposite! Many times what one feels like saying or doing without thinking can cause a lot of hurt!

Rina, who we talked about earlier tried to be in the hospital with her baby as much as possible. The whirlwind of stress and emotional pain was very difficult for her to bear but she pushed herself to be in the hospital as much as she was able. However she constantly felt guilty that she wasn’t there more. At first she didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about her baby. Finally after a few weeks she got the courage to call one close friend. The first thing the friend said to her was “I’m sure you must stay with your baby 24/7”! Boom! That comment was like a knockout punch to Rina. As one can imagine it made her feel terrible. The friend intended well however that one small comment greatly strengthened Rina’s guilty feelings and caused her tremendous pain.

So if someone wants to help a person this situation how could they go about doing it properly?

The complete answer to this question can fit an entire book. But there is one word which this writer feels does the question great justice. That word is Sincerity.

Every situation is different. However if there is one thing which would allow a recipient to appreciate offers of support it is sincerity. When the recipient of kindness and concern feels that the giver is sincere it makes a world of a difference to them. It allows them to really connect to the giver and the support which is being offered. This makes them feel at ease and comfortable accepting support which will cause them to want the support.

Another idea which allows a recipient to appreciate others offer to help is when the help is offered with selfless intent. When a recipient feels that you are offering your concern and help not because you have fulfillment of your own needs in mind but rather because you sincerely want to help them, then they will be much more open to your attempts to support.  

If you offer them meals and they feel that you sincerely want to give them the food and you really don’t mind giving your time then they will feel so much more comfortable and at ease accepting your offer. If you call them to see how they are coping and they can sense that you are calling not because you feel guilty that you haven‘t called for so long, but because you really care, then they will truly appreciate your call. Otherwise your offers to help and your phone calls may become just a frustration for them.

It must be added, that a giver has to realize that quite often even when one offers help, the recipient won’t feel comfortable accepting it. There must be a certain way in which the help is offered. For example if you call a friend in need and offer them your help, but you leave it open-ended with the ball in their court, them having to get back to you; such as asking them to let you know when they need meals or to call you when they need a visit. Usually even if they need the help desperately they will not call you back. They just don’t feel comfortable. Instead, if you are more specific and ask them “I would like to make you a meal, is Tuesday night good for you? Or maybe Thursday is better?”, then the chances of them feeling at ease accepting is so much greater. You are showing your flexibility and your offer is more specific. It is easy for them to just immediately agree to your offer, rather than having to get back to you later.

The following are examples which demonstrate these ideas beautifully. The Gold’s* had a sick child in the hospital for a long time. Between balancing work, visiting the baby, and trying to stay sane, they did not have much time to cook food for themselves. Many families offered to make them meals and they accepted.  Although they didn’t feel comfortable constantly taking from others they knew that in their situation this is what they had to do. There was one family, the Pear* family, who made it easier for the Gold’s to take meals from them. Whenever Mr. Gold came to pick up food from the Pears they always gave him the food with a quiet, selfless sincerity. Mrs. Pear recently had lost her father, and she knew that when her father was sick she didn’t always appreciate people constantly calling her and asking a lot of questions. So she realized that though the Gold’s were coming to her to pick up meals she didn’t have to grill them about their child’s welfare when they came. Of course she inquired how the baby was doing but that was it. Although she may have been curious to know about everything going on she knew that it may not be the right time. Later Mr. Gold revealed to her that of all of the families offering meals he felt most comfortable picking up food from the Pears. There were some families he dreaded going to as he wasn’t always in the mood to answer all the questions. Also at times he was in a rush. But when he was picking up food from the Pears he knew that he could just go in, pick up the food, and leave.

Mr. Adwe* had a colleague, Mr. Jacobs*, who lost a daughter suddenly, at a very young age. People came and called from all over to offer comfort and support. Mr. Adwe felt that there was little he could say to Mr. Jacbs that would appropriately console him on such a tragic loss. At the same time he wanted to show Mr. Jacob’s that he shared his pain. This is what he decided to do. Every time Mr. Adwe passed close by to Mr. Jacobs he didn’t say a word. He simply put his hand on Mr. Jacobs back and patted him softly. A while later Mr. Jacobs came over to Mr. Adwe and thanked him. Mr. Jacobs told him that of everything all the many people did for him and said to him to comfort him Mr. Adwe’s simple soft pat on his back meant the most to him. It was the small, sincere action which Mr. Adwe took to console his friend which really had the most effective impact.

When giving to others in need one must stop and think. How should I go about doing this in a way that the recipient will really appreciate it? What can benefit the recipient best? Think what would be best for the recipient, not what’s best for oneself. In this way our sincere and selfless offers of kindness and displays of concern to others will go the furthest in providing them the so vital support in their time of need!

* names changed for privacy

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok