WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER
I generally send out Yedid Nefesh articles approximately every 2 weeks. However the ideas and thoughts which I have expressed in this article have been jumping out of my head; I felt I had to write and send them right away. (I don’t think I have ever written an article so fast!)
I recently heard a speech given by a very well known speaker at a venue meant to give chizuk to families going through difficulty. The main idea the speaker was trying to share was the incredible opportunity these families have; because they can take what they experienced and use it to help others. This was this speakers’ comfort and encouragement to these families – That through what you are experiencing/experienced you are victorious winners; you are heroes; you can take your experience and use it to help others in a similar situation.
I was very moved by the speech; it was extremely inspiring, funny, very interesting, and really gave me a lot of encouragement. The speech, with questions and answers at the end, lasted close to 2 hours, and I loved every minute of it. However there was something that was bothering me. After tossing it back and forth in my mind for a few days, what was bothering came to the forefront and became clear to me.
This speakers’ sole comfort to these families, was that now they could take what they experienced and use it to help others. What bothered me greatly is that there are people and families out there who experience tremendous nisyonos and difficult times; but their personality may not be outgoing in the way that they are able to go out and help others. Let’s say there exists a person who is just really quiet. Not only doesn’t he have it in him to start an organization or help his friends and the people around him, his personality is that he is too quiet to help anyone.
Maybe a person’s experiences are too traumatizing for him to talk about. Maybe for him to move on with his life he must entirely and utterly distance himself from what had occurred; he needs to totally forget about it. Or maybe he is just a quiet person and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing anything that has to do with his experience with anyone. This person is not a bad person. If this is how G-d created him, then it’s just not his fault.
So according to this speaker, a person like this has failed in their nisayon and life destiny? This person is not a winner? He isn’t a hero? Why should that be?! This person went through a terrible experience and he remained strong; and he did nothing wrong, only G-d created him quiet!?
After thinking about this for several weeks the answer clicked in my head. Clarity brings such relief! To me this is the honest, correct answer. This is the recognizable emes.
I disagree with this speaker. I feel that a person who experienced difficulty must not necessarily help others through his experiences, if his personality doesn’t allow that, in order to be a winner and hero.
Because I will tell you what makes people who experienced difficulty into winners and heroes; it is the fact that they themselves have changed. A person who experiences difficulty and deals with it appropriately – they may struggle but they don’t totally and utterly give up – automatically becomes changed themselves. And this is entirely regardless of a person’s having a quiet or loud personality and one’s ability to go out and help other people. This is a change within oneself, which is attainable to absolutely everyone.
Each person could change according to the specific difficulty which they experience. Some appreciate their parents more; some appreciate their children more; almost all appreciate the little things in life more. They are more sensitive to others needs; they care more about their friends and less about themselves; worldly items take on less value to them; the people around them exist more; they see life; people and things, and happenings with a different view now.
It is in this way that everyone and anyone who experiences difficulty can become a winner and a hero!
This is what struck me most when reading Rabbi Chaim Bruk’s previously quoted letter, titled ‘A Father Writes What It’s Like Raising A Special Needs Child’ and why I really loved the letter (see Yedid Nefesh Article 27). Here’s quotes from Rabbi Bruk’s letter which he wrote about his and his wife’s struggles in raising his ‘special needs’ daughter, named Zeesy.
Zeesy has made me a different dad. I have more patience, more understanding, more compassion, more strength and more love. I am not only a better father to Zeesy and her siblings, but I am a better husband, better rabbi and, I believe, a better human being because of our Zeesy. I am less judgmental of other parents, I’m more reverent of parents dealing so well with their special children and I am more accepting of life’s curve balls than ever before. Zeesy revealed a part of me that I never knew existed. Chavie and I look at each other every day and thank G-d for Zeesy. Zeesy has taught us that together we can persevere and thrive for her, for her siblings, for ourselves and for the world around us. Special parents are gifted with special children!
People who experience difficulty are winners and heroes because of what they went through and who they have become; irrelevant of what they do or don’t do for others. In a microcosmic way, similar to what both Litvishe gedolim and Chassidish Rebbes have said about Holocaust survivors; one who has a number on their arm, no matter what, is going straight to Gan Eden.
I say that people who experience difficulty, on a microcosmic level have a number connected to their life. No matter what if they properly deal with their difficulty they become a changed person; they are winners and heroes; to G-d; to themselves; to their families; to their friends and the people around them; to the entire klal yisroel and the entire world!
L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok