WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER

Recently I participated in a bowling event sponsored by an organization which offers support to people with sick family members.

While bowling, I took a look around to see who my fellow bowling mates were. I saw an extremely colorful array of people; long beards, jeans, black and whites, knit yarmulkes, shaitels, long ‘chups’, ties, and snoods etc. I saw how many different ‘types’ of people had come to the event, and the following incredible thought hit me. Outwardly, all of us bowling together may have seemed vastly different from each other; yet, there was one similarity which we all had very much in common. With respect to having a sick family member, practically every single one of us were almost exactly the same! We all had a family member who was seriously sick, either in the past or present. Every single one of us there was affected by this in more or less the same manner. We all loved our sick family member tremendously. We all experienced a lot of pain; fear; stress; and worry over that family member. We were all, each according to our particular situation, caught up in a roller coaster of hospital visits, medicines, doctors, struggling to pay attention to other parts of our family, and struggling to retain at least a minor level of sanity throughout it all. We all cried during the hard times, and breathed a sigh of relief during the better times. In this area we all were able to relate to each other as if we were exactly the same. We all struggle through our difficulty, doing one day at a time. We all came to bowl in order to escape and forget the craziness and stress of our lives for a few hours. Regardless of the outer differences we all had, we were all very similar in this particular area; if we focused on this area, we were all exactly the same; we were equals!

It struck me. Generally, when we see another person who talks, looks, or dresses different than what we are used to, our psych automatically labels them; we think, “that person is different; we cannot relate to them.” Even if we are not looking down at them, we feel as if there is a rift or wall between us; we don’t share anything in common; we are different than each other; we just cannot relate. But now I saw an entirely new picture. These people are not as ‘strange’ as we assume. In fact, though in the more minor, external ways they may be different than us, in a very large way we are all exactly the same! If we would focus on this we would really be able to relate to each other much easier. I think it is a preconceived notion which many of us (unconsciously) have that if someone looks, talks, or dresses different than they must be different internally as well; and we cannot possibly relate; because they simply don’t have anything in common with us to relate to. But this is really not the case. The feeling is automatic; it comes to us naturally, as soon as we come near the person; and by that time it may just become an awkward uncomfortable mess. If one would contemplate this message a little bit beforehand, one can assist their psych to realize that these people are human beings just like we are and they really aren’t as different and difficult to relate to as we may assume.

Recently, I was in a bikur Cholim room and in walked a woman wearing pants and uncovered hair, obviously dressing and looking different than ‘my type’. Then I noticed that she seemed tired it was almost as if she was sleep walking; the same way which I felt! Already we shared something in common! I said a polite hello, saw that she was interested in talking a bit, and we began schmoozing a little. I related some of what I experienced with our son and then she told me what she was experiencing with her son; I sat there for several minutes with my mouth hanging wide open; listening spell bound as she described feelings, emotions, and fears which she had – which were the exact same things which I have experienced over the past few months! Inside the heart of this kind woman with pants and uncovered hair I found a human being; a loving, tired, and concerned, but hopeful parent; so similar to myself. We sat there talking to each other for a while; we were able to relate to each other just fine, without issue. It struck me once again, that when we put aside the externals, most of us are all really very similar.

During the days of sefira we refrain from cutting our hair and listening to music etc.  (For many years I ‘suffered’ through this, always waiting impatiently for the sefira days to end; I felt so unkempt I felt I looked homeless. Until one year I realized that there was a purpose for all of it! Rabbi Akiva’s talmidim died during these times. I realized that maybe I should focus on my discomfort for 5 seconds less and instead contemplate for those 5 seconds Rabbi Akiva’s talmidim dying!)

 Rabbi Akiva’s talmidim died as a result of ‘sinas chinam’. What exactly does this mean? I had a thought which may seem obvious. My thought was that ‘sinas chinam’ probably does not mean that one talmid punched the other in the face so now the talmid who got punched hated the one who punched him. Rather there is probably a deeper meaning to it. Maybe part of that deeper meaning is this idea which we are discussing. When someone is punched, there is real, albeit maybe illegitimate, reason which exists for one to hate the other. In contrast to that which we are discussing, people disassociate themselves and entertain an imaginable self-created barrier and rift of difference between themselves and those who they may deem ‘different’ than themselves. And there may exist feelings of ‘hate’ or a lack of achdus. This barrier of ‘difference’ is not real! This is ‘Chinam!!’ We are not really that different. It is at most only external, and carries no weight. (Of course the point is not to assume one can eat meat cooked in the house of anyone who one meets on the street; but this barrier of difference need not be there.

When one is in a moment of honesty and objectiveness which comes with the clarity of experiencing difficulty the truth of this idea can be so much more clearly identified. The externals don’t really matter. If one contemplates these bowling/bikur cholim moments it can be so much easier for one to really internalize this idea. In regards to what really counts we are all very much similar, much more than we realize.

Though this idea may be slightly humbling, may G-d give us the help we need to take the ‘lesson of the bikur cholim room’ to heart during these days of sefira.

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok