WRITTEN BY SHMUEL T. ADLER      

(I have been unable to write recently as Yehoshua has been in the ICU. It is with great appreciation to G-d that he is now much better thus enabling me to write once again!) 

I would like to write a series of articles which are intended to give “outsiders” – those who are close to people who are experiencing difficulty, a view into the lives of “insiders” – families actually experiencing difficulty themselves. I have an agenda in writing this series of articles, which is two-fold; for the insiders and the outsiders. I would like to present the real, true, great, extent of the incredible challenges, stress, and pain which one experiencing difficulty goes through; and thereby validate on some level those insiders who are experiencing this difficulty. For outsiders this will provide a glimpse and more accurate understanding of what insiders who are experiencing difficulty go through; and thus help enable them to better provide support to insiders. Unless one actually experiences difficulty, one usually cannot even begin to come close to understanding or relating to one who is or has experienced difficulty. Being that we are personally in the midst of a journey experiencing difficulty, I would like to share my fresh ‘insider’ perspective which I have gained. There is a lot I have to write about in this series. I decided instead of figuring out the best place to begin, for now I would just dive right in!

The theme of this article, (which I have already previously written about) is: One need not be, say or do anything spectacular  in order to help out others experiencing difficulty! The following examples are stories of regular people who did regular things, yet which still (and because of its regularity) provided tremendous chizuk to another going through difficulty.

We did not yet know the Handler* family when my wife Nechama bumped into their daughter, Aliza*, one day. From then my wife crossed paths with Aliza some more and they invited us for Shabbos a few more times. We did not make much of the invitation, as anyways for a few consecutive weeks we weren’t home for Shabbos; plus, we had only met the Handler’s recently. I figured, naturally, they were just trying to be polite. Every few weeks Aliza invited us again, and in a very non-pushy, sincere way, she insisted that it would mean so much to her if we would come. Our ‘antisocial’ barriers (which everyone going through difficulty experiences, slowly began to lift). There was another family who we had met recently as well, the Neumans*, who lived near and were close friends with the Handler’s. The Handlers and Neumans together planned that we would spend Shabbos with both of them, sleeping and eating one meal with one and then going for the second meal to the other. So much for anti-socializing! Despite our hesitancies, the manner in which the Handlers and Neumans invited us made us feel like they sincerely wanted us to come. They gave us our space, not pressuring us either.

And then the Shabbos came! We were utterly drained and exhausted; staying in the hospital again was not a viable option as it would have destroyed any remnants of sanity we still may have had. It was supposed to be a very traffic-full weekend, so we couldn’t travel too far. With everything going on staying home for Shabbos would be too much for both of us. This was the perfect opportunity. We called Aliza and said we would like to come.

We left the hospital on Friday, stressed and overwhelmed. We arrived at the Handler’s house. Aliza came out to greet us, right away making us feel welcome and comfortable. We were showed to our room and after an offer if there was anything more we needed, we were left alone. Just seeing the clean, made up room help us immediately relax; the feeling of Shabbos bliss began washing over us. Having the half hour quiet time before Shabbos to settle in, without any extra “smothersome” doting, was just what we needed. All of the specific details of what was done or not done for us are not too important; the sole point is that the Handlers wanted sincerely to make us feel comfortable; and they did not have to do anything super-spectacular in order to accomplish this. Shabbos started and as planned we were to eat the Friday night meal at the Neuman’s. I will get back to that later on. We got back from the Neuman’s late Friday night, and the Handlers were awake when we came back. [I’m not sure if they specifically stayed up to wait for us; regardless, it made us feel even more welcome!]. They stayed up shmoozing with us for a while; Mrs Handler, Aliza, and her brother, until it got pretty late. It was such a break to be able to just talk and socialize with other people about anything; not to only discuss all of the stressful details about Yehoshua’s situation the entire time. It was so relaxing and enjoyable, enabling us to just forget for a moment the stresses from the entire week. The rest of Shabbos passed beautifully, the atmosphere very relaxed and pleasant. The food was delicious; Mrs Handler went out of her way to serve us refreshing snacks!; we schmoozed alot, Rabbi Handler shared beautiful divrei torah, and the singing was out of this world.

Friday night we went to the Neuman’s for the meal. Firstly, the Neuman’s started Shabbos later just to accommodate us, as we had rushed straight from the hospital. At the Neuman’s, similar to the Handler’s, we felt warmly welcomed, as if the Neumans just sincerely wanted us to feel comfortable; but it was not necessary for them to make a big deal about anything for this. We schmoozed with Rabbi and Mrs. Neuman about many topics, once again the conversation not centered on the difficult situation we were in. We joked and laughed. The younger children were very lively, their excitement enabling us to very easily forget the stresses which we were trying to forget. The Friday night meal was the perfect start to a very refreshing and rejuvenating Shabbos! Both the Handler’s and the Neumans, without needing at all to over-strain themselves, created such a supportive, enjoyable environment. This was exactly what we needed and we loved every moment of it!  The Handler’s and Neuman’s did not do anything super-duper spectacular which required an extremely outgoing, self-confident personality or which took super-human effort which they had to go way out of their way to do. Rather they were sincere in their desire to help support us; and that’s what they tried to do. The way they asked us to come for Shabbos was inviting but at our own pace, without pressure; they had their regular warm, homey Shabbos, and just made us a part of it; they schmoozed with us about regular normal conversation. If one looks at this story, it is made up entirely of seemingly normal regular things which the Handler’s and Neuman’s did. This is exactly what gave us the super-duper spectacular chizuk, encouragement, and the life-saving break which we needed. With only a sincere (or even a half-sincere) desire to help, all one need do is normal, regular things which is what will provide such relief to someone struggling with difficulty.

L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok