BEWARE! DANGER!
WRITTEN BY Shmuel T.Adler:
The following article is a continuation from YEDID NEFESH – ARTICLE 5.
To see previous Yedid Nefesh articles go to www.yedidnefeshforeveryone.org
The previous article, Yedid Nefesh – Article 5 spoke about the idea that when one hears a negative prognosis, there are times that the whole prognosis may be a mistake. The problem which the doctors said that they thought they saw can turn out to be non-existent. This idea can be very helpful in dealing with hearing bad news. When one hears a bad prognosis about whatever it may be, the human mind naturally goes out of control. A person panics, and cannot think clearly. Keeping in mind the realization that there is always the possibility that the bad news may be a total mistake can help one retain a level of clear-headedness and sanity.
There following article is about another idea which can be very helpful in dealing with hearing bad news.
Very often a person or family member who is in the hospital or talking to doctors feel as if they are completely in the hands of the doctors. The doctors are the ones who are seemingly in-charge. They have the knowledge and experience to decide if and what is wrong; and they have the power to heal. It appears almost as if they are your sole connection to being healed. And all too often they talk and act that way. They tell you a diagnosis as if they hold the key to life and death in their hands. And on a certain level one is stuck in the doctors hands. They have the knowledge. We do not. In order to know what is wrong and what can be done about it one has to speak to the doctor. But a doctor will describe the situation in the way they understand it and according to their beliefs.
To make clear, the following is not true about all doctors. But many doctors who are not believing Jews will describe a situation in a light that everything is completely limited to facts and numbers. G-d is almost entirely if not entirely left out of the equation. They will talk to you as if they rarely make mistakes and they know everything. The only possibilities which they consider are those within their boundaries of science and nature.
Additionally, unfortunately, not all the time but very often they are insensitive in the way they give over their thoughts of the situation. Even if they have some respect for the feelings of their patients and families, the fact is that they believe that they are all knowing. Rarely, and only from a select few, does one hear the words “I don’t know” emanating from a doctors mouth.
When the Sheish* family from France* found out that Mrs. Sheish was expecting they scheduled an appointment with the doctor. After seeing the doctor a few times they were told that an abnormality in the fetus was found on the sonogram and that they needed to go for more testing. They saw many top specialists and were told time and time again – very definitively – that the baby would very likely not survive. The doctors made it as if they knew everything and they knew without doubt that the baby stood no chance of being a healthy baby; the doctors were extremely insensitive in the way they described the situation to the Sheish’s; the Sheish’s asked many questions and not once did they hear the words “I don’t know” from the doctors; they were all unanimously absolutely certain of their negative prognosis. The Sheish’s were extremely frightened with everything the doctors were telling them. The confidence and sharpness which the doctors displayed made matters much more difficult for the Sheish’s to bear.
A few months later a new Shiesh baby was born into the world. Practically all of the issues which all these top specialists predicted the baby would have were non-existent.
At the time that the baby was being delivered a nervous Mr. Sheish waited outside the delivery room not knowing what was happening. Finally the team began emerging from the room; and Mr. Sheish was in for a very pleasant surprise. He watched as the members of the team left the room, and he saw that the doctor who headed the team in charge of delivering the baby was wearing a kipa! When Mr. Sheish asked him questions about the baby, there was a question which the doctor answered with the words “I don’t know”. It felt so good to speak to a doctor who had a little humility! It was a tremendous relief for the Sheish’s to know that they were now dealing with a doctor who was on their same page!
The Ohr HaChayim in Parshas Yisro asks, why is the Parsha which talks about Matan Torah, possibly the most important Parsha in the Torah, named after a non-Jew, Yisro? We understand that Yisro had a great idea which no one else, including Moshe Rabbeinu himself, thought of. But isn’t naming a Parsha after him a little too much in showing appreciation? And even worse, naming the Parsha after Yisro would seem to be a Chilul Hashem, because it reminds everyone that there was something which a non-Jew thought of which not even one Jew thought of. The Torah could have shown appreciation to Yisro in a manner which is less dramatic?!
The Ohr HaChayim answers by saying something which is phenomenal. The Ohr HaChayim says that the Jews were not chosen as the Chosen Nation because they are more intelligent than non-Jews. Jews are not necessarily smarter than non-Jews! G-d chose us as the Chosen Nation because of the love He had for us and because of the zechus of the Avos! So therefore naming the Parsha after Yisro, which seemingly shows that Yisro was more intelligent than all of the Jews, is not a problem.
The gemara tells us that G-d, who has the power of everything, gave doctors the power to heal. G-d so to speak appointed doctors as His emissaries to heal people.
All of this tells us that doctors really have the capacity to heal and there are doctors out there who can be very special people. We need doctors. Doctors save lives. They heal us. They have the potential to be great people and to do a lot of good for others.
However at the same time when dealing with doctors it is extremely important for one to keep the following idea at the forefront of their minds. When a believing Jew is speaking to doctors on behalf of themselves or a sick family member they must realize that there is a sign reading in big red letters “Beware! Danger! Doctor is here!”
This is because of of the aforementioned information in the beginning of the article. Many doctors do not believe in G-d the same way that we do. They feel that they are all knowing, and that their patients’ life is entirely in their hands. It seems almost as if they think that when G-d gave them the power to heal He lost that power Himself! They rely entirely on their intellect and the tools which they have without admitting that there are other “Powers at Be”. They talk and deliver life sentences with little humility, as if they are G-d Himself!
Yes, there are some doctors who realize that there is G-d out there and life and death are actually in His Hands. These doctors deserve our utmost respect and appreciation. But many do not talk or think that way.
So what?!
This article was not written at all to bash doctors!
The article was written to make the following tremendous point. Bearing all of this in mind could help one deal with doctors prognosis’ so much better. When a doctor says a bad prognosis and one realizes that it may not be as bad or as definitive as the doctor is portraying it, this can make it much easier to function. One must try hard not to fall apart after hearing the way a doctor portrays the situation, simply, because the doctor may be wrong. Though he may talk and act that way, he is not all-knowing. One can always daven. But even before bringing in davening, it is a fact, the doctors do not have the last word.
Every time one hears a negative prognosis from a doctor it must be taken with a grain of salt. With a filter. With the understanding that as a believing Jew we know that regardless of the doctors prognosis there is a Being Who has the final say, and that could very well be different than what the doctor is saying!
Mr. Howarth* had a child who was in the hospital, very sick. Every time the doctors spoke to him about his child’s situation he left the conversation very depressed. They portrayed the entire situation so negatively in such a definitive manner that it was difficult for him to entertain any rays of hope. Until one day he saw that it turned out that they were wrong. And then they were wrong again. And again. Until he realized that just because a doctor says something definitively it is still not definite at all.
The Howarth family were told close to a dozen times by doctors that their child would not survive more than a few months. Their child is still going strong!
By now, whenever Mr. Howarth speaks to a doctor about his child, he knows there is a good chance that he will not be able to take the doctors words at face value. Mr. Howarth does a “Google Translate” on what the doctor says. Meaning, he enters the conversation thinking that any bad news which the doctor says is not automatically as bad as the doctor portrays it. He is able to retain so much more control of his mind now when he speaks to the doctors! It made his whole situation easier.
When the Samuel’s* had a baby, the Dr. approached them to congratulate them on their new baby boy. The nurse standing next to him said, it is a baby girl, not a baby boy! What happened was that the doctor relied on his sonogram equipment which told him the fetus was a baby boy; he didn’t even bother to look at the actual baby that came out!
There are many more stories which exist that show the same point that we are saying.
Dealing with a doctor and a doctor’s negative prognosis is terribly difficult. If one can try to bear these ideas in mind, that a doctors say isn’t everything; G-d has the last word, and the doctor isn’t all-knowing as he may make it seem; that the situation does not have to turn out the way the doctor predicted; then this idea should go very far in lightening one’s heavy burden in dealing with these difficult situations.
* names changed for privacy
L’zchus Refua Sheleima Yehoshua Ben Nechama Aliza; L’iluy Nishmas Chaim Pinchos ben Yaakov Yitzchok